I'm a hypocrite. I can't act on my beliefs?

The last two choices seem to be the same. But leaving that aside, as I must misunderstand, what is lacking is a true understanding or realization fo your real alternatives. But to find those alternatives, you will have to be willing to feel emotions you are now suppressing, through fear of the implied consequences. But you really do not know the consequences. If this is the only life you have, you must stop wasting it and find happiness. That happiness may be found by knowing what or who your opponent is, and by feeling emotions you are now denying. The people around you do not seem real to you, insofar as being people and not objects. All I can think of is that studying NLP might be a key. But psychological counseling can not be ruled out if you can find and afford it.